


Is life not about loving?

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Loving Em at 2AM [91]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Victorian, Background Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Background Lydia Branwell/Alec Lightwood, F/F, First Kiss, First Meetings, Girls in Love, Historical, Jace Wayland is a Herondale, Lydia Branwell & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship, They're engaged, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26330770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: “She’s looking at you too, you know?”Lydia knows. Oh, she knows. Clarissa’s stare isn’t something she could have ever missed, especially not considering how often she finds it on her. The redhead has never approached her either, but they’re both far more aware of each other than they should be. Lydia hasn’t let herself think about it too much, refuses to think about it too much, but she knows.Or: Lydia knows loving a woman is wrong, but it doesn't stop her from falling for Clarissa anyways.
Relationships: Lydia Branwell/Clary Fray
Series: Loving Em at 2AM [91]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764400
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Is life not about loving?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatnerdemryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/gifts).



She’s the most beautiful woman Lydia has ever seen. Her hair seems to be made of fire, her eyes of emeralds, and her smile is so bright that Lydia wonders how the men around her aren’t blinded by it.

It’s wrong. Lydia knows it’s wrong, knows she shouldn’t be letting her eyes stray to another woman, no matter how pretty that woman may be. She knows she shouldn’t be dreaming of tangling her fingers in those flaming waves or kissing those enticing pink lips. She knows her parents would kill her if they ever found out how far her thoughts strayed from her fiancé, but she can’t find it in herself to care.

Because god, she desires. She desires more than she ever has, more than she could ever desire her future husband. It’s unfair really, that the world was blessed with millions of radiant women but Lydia is expected to marry a man. How on earth is she supposed to focus on her fiancé whom she sees more as a friend than anything when there are women like  _ that _ around?

“She’s to marry Jonathan Herondale.”

Lydia startles as her fiancé’s voice rings out inches away from her face. Alexander has always had a way of sneaking up on her, too discreet for his own good, but he’s never caught her…  _ watching _ before. Does he know what she’s doing? Does he understand how hard it is for her to tear her eyes away from the beauty in front of them? Or does he think her gaze is full of envy rather than lust?

“The marquis?” She asks, her eyes widened slightly. She does not know much about the redhead, has only seen her a few times in the village, but she knows her status could never rival with a marquis’. Not that she needs a high status, since her looks probably make up for her lack of wealth. “I wasn’t aware he was looking for a bride.”

“He wasn’t,” Alexander murmurs, his voice tinged with something that sounds an awful lot like bitterness. “His grandparents wish for him to have a child sooner rather than later, and he cannot do that without a wife. Clarissa is a lucky woman. Ja- Jonathan would not marry just anyone.”

“I have a feeling Clarissa isn’t just anyone,” Lydia whispers, her gaze straying back to the redhead against her will. The name suits her, just as delicate yet bold as the woman talking to the Lightwood cousins. “She’s rather…”

“Arrogant?” Alexander prompts, earning himself a confused look from Lydia. “She must be, to think she deserves to marry a marquis even though her mother is a disgrace in our social circles.”

“The actions of our parents hardly define us, Alexander,” Lydia frowns, looking at him pointedly. “You, of all people, should know better than to judge a woman you have never met just because her parents do not fit your idea of perfection. I’m sure Clarissa is a wonderful lady.”

“Of course you do,” her fiancé snorts, making Lydia tense up. She knows she hasn’t been particularly discreet, but she wasn’t aware she was being  _ that _ obvious. “Oh, don’t look so panicked. You may be a polite and courteous woman, Lydia, but I know better than to assume you want this any more than I do. We’re a good match, but you’re far too bright and independent for me. However, you need not fear my judgement. Looking down on your preferences would only make me a hypocrite.”

Deep down, Lydia had suspected. She had never wanted to ask her fiancé, hadn’t wanted to start their marriage on an accusation like that, but a part of her had always known. Alexander is far too detached from their relationship, far too understanding of her reservations when it comes to physical touch. Their marriage is one of convenience, and she now knows for certain that he doesn’t want it any more than she does.

Unfortunately, the choice is hardly up to them. There are expectations placed on their shoulders, ones that only the eldest son and daughter of two very old families can understand. Lydia will marry Alexander for status, and he will marry her for honour.

Their joy was never part of the deal.

“The world is cruel to people like us,” she says, refusing to acknowledge the way her heart may or may not flutter at the sight of Clarissa. “It is crueller to many, but it is still unfair to us. Is life not about loving, Alexander? Is that not the reason why novels are so well-liked? Should we not all strive for love, should we not all accept each other’s love, if only to make the world a better place?”

“If making the world a better place was everyone’s priority, then maybe we could,” her fiancé sighs, swallowing heavily as his eyes drift away from Clarissa only to settle on Jonathan. “Life should be about love, Lydia, it  _ should _ be about joy and pleasure and elation, but that is not how the world works.”

“Then maybe the world doesn’t work at all,” Lydia clenches her jaw, forcing herself to turn around and gather her heavy skirt, refusing to look at Clarissa even for a second longer. She knows better than to torture herself with things she cannot have. “I wish to live, Alexander, and I fear that you will never let me do that.”

“I may not have a choice,” the dark-haired man replies. It’s not a proper answer and they both know it.

“You’re a coward, Alexander Lightwood,” Lydia breathes out into the ensuing silence. “You may be just as unlucky as I when it comes to love, but the world is kinder to men. The world is kinder to you, and you are a fool not to take advantage of that.”

“What would you have me do, Lydia?” He snaps, his eyes burning with anger and desperation and regret. “I cannot love him the way he wants to be loved without bringing the wrath of everyone else upon us. And I cannot let him love me the way I want to be loved without disappointing my family. Sometimes, loyalty has to win out.”

He’s fooling himself, Lydia thinks. If he truly thinks they will find even a modicum of normality and peace in their married life, he is a  _ fool _ . Lydia learned long ago that she would have to go against the rules to be happy, and she has accepted it.

“If you expect loyalty from me, Alexander, then you are far more ignorant than I thought you were,” Lydia murmurs, clenching her hands at her sides as she wills herself not to look back. She cannot let herself look upon strands of fire and flashes of emerald again. “Loyalty never wins out in this world. You will give in eventually, I promise you that. Please do us both a favour and stop lying to yourself. You’ll go back to him, just as you have been doing every month for the past year.”

“You  _ knew _ ?” her fiancé exclaims, grabbing her arm slightly too roughly as he turns his back on Clarissa, Jonathan, and their little following of Lightwoods. “How did you know? Did someone tell you?”

“I have eyes, Alexander,” Lydia chuckles humourlessly. “I see the way you look at him. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, at least not when I’m around.”

“You want her, don’t you?” He says softly, looking over his shoulder. “Is that why you always visit the village even though the kitchen hand could do it for you?”

“Unlike you, I’ve decided to let myself dream,” Lydia shrugs, finally letting herself give in and look back at Clarissa. “I’ve never talked to her, refused to betray you like that when I wasn’t sure of how serious you were about this marriage. I didn’t even know her name before today. But I didn’t limit myself to seeing her once a month, and that makes all the difference between the two of us. You kiss him, I’m sure. You pleasure him and hold him and make love to him, yet you cannot stand to dream of him more than once every thirty days.”

She pities her fiancé for that. She pities his inability to see how much love is in the world around them, waiting to be taken and used. She wonders if he has any idea that Jonathan pines for him just as much as he does for the blond marquis. She wonders if he knows that their longing stares are what made her doubt his preferences in the first place.

More than anything, she wonders if he’s aware of how lucky he is. Their world expects men to find pleasure in other people, does not judge them for it so long as they are discreet. Lydia, on the other hand… Lydia would never recover from an affair, and she knows it all too well.

Which is why she pities Alexander, and why she pities herself. She pities her heart for falling for a woman whom she has never talked to, pities her mind for fantasising and dreaming of her. She pities them, a couple stuck in a loveless engagement that will only end in an endless life of lies and ‘ _ what if _ ’s.

“She’s looking at you too, you know?”

Lydia knows. Oh, she  _ knows _ . Clarissa’s stare isn’t something she could have ever missed, especially not considering how often she finds it on her. The redhead has never approached her either, but they’re both far more aware of each other than they should be. Lydia hasn’t let herself think about it too much,  _ refuses _ to think about it too much, but she knows.

“I think it’s time for me to find Jonathan,” Alexander whispers. For a moment, Lydia wonders what he means, wonders if he’s openly admitting to needing alone time with his secret lover, but then she sees Clarissa. She’s walking towards them confidently, a small smile twitching at her lips and a determined glint in her eyes, and Lydia knows she is coming for  _ her _ .

“And remember, Lydia, that the world is a cruel place,” her fiancé adds, levelling her with a stern look.

She knows he means well, knows he is trying to look out for her in the only way he can, but Lydia has never liked having people meddle in her life. She’s the one who brought up the subject of how cruel their world is in the first place. She doesn’t need a man to remind her of all the reasons why a liaison between Clarissa and her would be a bad idea. And she certainly doesn’t need a man like  _ Alexander _ to say anything about her life choices.

His are far worse. After all, at least she didn’t fall in love with a marquis.

“Lydia Lightwood,” Clarissa greets her. The blonde frowns at the address, wondering who told the redhead that Lydia was married.

“Branwell, actually,” she corrects immediately, waving away the other woman’s apologies. “It’s an honest mistake to make, no matter how unfortunate it may be for me. Does the entire village believe Alexander and I are already wed?”

“There are rumours,” Clarissa admits sheepishly. “However, I should have known better than to take them as the truth. Our little world loves to gossip, and I’m afraid I am sometimes guilty of such a crime.”

“Oh, I would hardly call it a crime,” Lydia chuckles, swallowing down her anxiety and focusing on Clarissa’s kind eyes instead. “What would life be without a little gossip in it? I can’t say I have much to talk about when I’m stuck inside Alexander’s mansion, but the village seems so  _ lively _ all the time. If I were you, I would never stop listening to the whispers. It sounds like a good life.”

“It’s certainly more freeing than life spent inside a gilded cage,” Clarissa mutters, covering her mouth as soon as the words slip past her lips. “Not that I- I’m very grateful for everything Jonathan and his family have done for me and my future, of course. I know life is good here, better than anything I could have in the village, but I… I suppose I’m simply not used to it yet.”

“Or perhaps you’re just a sensible woman,” Lydia smiles gently. “These mansions are beautiful from the outside, I’ll give them that, but there is so much more to life than a pretty façade. I’ve seen you in the village, Clarissa, and I know how well you fit in there. Jonathan will give you all the riches and delicate things you could ever dream of having, but he will never give you your freedom back.”

It’s something Lydia has always dreamed of having. Women are never truly free, not even those like Clarissa, but at least if she had been born in the village she would have had  _ something _ . Instead, she’s spent her entire life running after a dream that isn’t hers, a husband she doesn’t want, and a sense of accomplishment she doesn’t quite understand.

She’s done everything right, yet she still doesn’t have the freedom she so desires. She understands why Clarissa threw it away for Jonathan, understands how important status is, but she wishes the world weren’t so black and white. She wishes they could have both all at once, that they didn’t have to choose between comfort and liberty.

_ You could have it _ , her mind whispers. It’s a lie and Lydia knows it. Her mind cannot give her what she is looking for. No one can.  _ Maybe she could _ .

“I was never free,” Clarissa tells her quietly, clenching and unclenching her hands in her dress’ violet fabric. “Not in the way you think I was, and certainly not in the way you want to be. Life is all about compromise, even when you’re just a poor maiden like me. Jonathan can give me more than what I have in the village, and that’s enough for me.”

“Do you love him?” Lydia asks, unable to help herself. She knows she’s out of line, but she doesn’t care. Clarissa is right here in front of her, and Lydia can’t stop the curiosity that has been bubbling just underneath her skin for months now. “Will he bring you joy?”

“He will bring me safety,” Clarissa answers. “I could never love him, even if I- Well, I could never love a man who is in love with someone else.”

“I could never love a man,” Lydia blurts out, staring straight into Clarissa’s eyes and losing her breath when the emerald gaze turns a shade darker. “Just as Alexander could never love me.”

“It is quite fortunate, really, that our fiancés get along so well,” Clarissa says innocently, letting her gaze travel up and down Lydia’s body. “I’m sure we’ll be able to spend plenty of time together during house visits.”

“What a splendid idea,” Lydia chuckles, grinning genuinely for the first time in a very long time. “Although I have a feeling Alexander is still trying to deny himself the things he truly wants, so we may not be able to see each other as often as you might think.”

“Well… I still go to the village every couple of days,” Clarissa whispers, stepping closer to Lydia and smiling when the blonde’s breath catches in her throat. “There would be no reason for me not to spend time with my new friend who happens to be married to my husband’s close friend.”

“No reason at all,” Lydia agrees quickly, gulping loudly as she tries not to stare at Clarissa’s lips. “In fact, one might say that  _ not _ spending time together would be suspicious.”

“I admire the way you think, Lydia,” Clarissa laughs, smiling even brighter than she had been earlier. Lydia was right; it  _ is _ blinding. Or more accurately, it feels a little bit like staring at the moon for too long. Suddenly, all Lydia can see is this one spark of light in the darkness. “Would it be too forward of me to say that you look ravishing today? I’ve never seen you as dressed up as this in the village, and I have to admit that it’s quite a nice change.”

“I could say the same of you,” Lydia says breathily. God, she hadn’t expected her maiden from the village to be so assertive. She’s not complaining, of course, but it’s still a little surprising to be faced with such bold statements from a woman like Clarissa. “I have a feeling it wouldn’t take much for you to make me speechless, Clarissa.”

“Oh, I’m sure there are many ways I could make you speechless,” Clarissa winks at her, chuckling as Lydia’s face burns up. “Oh, Lydia, there are so many things I’m going to teach you. You may be a proper lady, but I can show you all the things us village girls like to get up to when our parents are looking away.”

It makes sense, of course, for women of lower classes to be able to escape every once in a while to live out their fantasies, but Lydia had never thought about it that way. She always thought… She assumed most women never acted upon their feelings for other women, given how dangerous it can be.

If Clarissa is to be believed, however, there are plenty of girls out there who are willing to risk getting caught if only to make their deepest dreams come true. It makes Lydia burn with jealousy, but it mostly makes her even more determined to work something out with Clarissa.

She needs to prove to Alexander that loving in secret is possible and better than not loving at all. She needs to prove to the world that women loving each other isn’t as much of a crime as they make it out to be. Most importantly, she needs to prove to herself that she’s brave enough to step outside of her comfort zone for once; that she’s brave enough to do what she’s always wanted to do.

“I’ll arrange for Alexander to come over to your mansion next week,” she says seriously, smiling proudly when Clarissa perks up. “I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to spend more time with Jonathan.”

“I’m sure he will,” Clarissa beams. “And I would love to see you next week, but is there really a reason for us to wait any longer? I  _ do _ know this garden quite well, and I’m certain we could find an isolated corner somewhere if you wanted to.”

Lydia’s heart speeds up as she realises this is really happening. She’s dreamed of it, of course, but she never… A part of her thought she would spend her whole life with Alexander and never stray, remain loyal and kind and  _ perfect.  _ Now that she’s faced with this possibility, she’s not sure she’s ready.

She wants to be. She wants to touch Clarissa, wants to whisper praise into her ear and against every inch of her body, but what if she ruins things? What if she realises she’s been lying to herself all along and doesn’t love women any more than she loves men? What if she’s destined to be alone?

For a second, she thinks about declining Clarissa’s offer, too overwhelmed by fear to think rationally. Then…

Then she looks into those stunning green eyes, warm and eager and understanding, and she knows she’s been lost for months. She knows, without a doubt, that she’ll never be able to say no to Clarissa, at least not when all the redhead wants is time alone with Lydia.

“An isolated corner? Colour me intrigued,” she smiles, laughing loudly and brightly as Clarissa leads her away.

Alexander will know, and Jonathan probably will too. Maybe they will care, maybe they won’t. Lydia doesn’t think it really matters, but even if it did, she doesn’t think  _ she _ would care. Not now.

Not when Clarissa is holding onto her hand and talking about the myriad of wonderful things to be found in the Herondales’ garden. Not when the redhead drags her into a small clearing full of flowers and smiles at her shyly,  _ hopefully _ . Not when she realises that even when they’re surrounded by nature in all its glory, Clarissa is still the most beautiful sight.

And certainly not when the redhead kisses her softly and Lydia’s entire world suddenly realigns.

Maybe she was wrong about life; maybe it’s not just about love. Maybe it’s also about  _ finding _ it.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! I got a request for some Fairwell today, so here it is! I know this style of writing is a little different, but I really like writing like this from time to time, so forgive me for the floweriness of it all. As always, this fic hasn't really been beta'ed or edited, so forgive any mistakes. I hope you all enjoyed it!
> 
> Love, Junie.
> 
> (find me on [tumblr](https://hopesilverheart.tumblr.com/))


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